


I Love You

by Cawerkuu



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Comfort/Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 17:37:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18877981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cawerkuu/pseuds/Cawerkuu
Summary: You can't love someone else unless you love yourself first. I have never loved myself, but oh god, I love you so much that I forgot what hating myself felt like.





	I Love You

"Daniel, you don't even love yourself!" My mother screeched at me, shocked upon hearing the news. "How could you even know that you love him? What if it's such a measly crush?"

I was always told that you can't love someone unless you loved yourself first. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't give a damn about myself and I never had.

"Because this is so much more!" I hollered, I usually never fought my mother but I had to. This was Phil. Phil was nearly my everything.  And I love Phil so how could I be a crap boufriend and let my mother dimiss our relationship as just a 'crush' when it's so much more? "I do love Phil. Not just straight people can feel love."

"Daniel, this isn't about-" She scoffed, throwing her hands up in the air. She was obviously fed up with me and my 'antics' as she labeled them.

"Please, as if I don't know!" I shouted, I knew. It wasn't hard to notice when everyone in your family and street suddenly looks at you differently. "I see the stupid glances and glares everyone sends at me! And just because I'm gay?! Why?!"

"We just don't agree with your lifestyle!" She urged, glaring with a passionate anger burning into her eyes.

"It isn't a _lifestyle_ , mom! It's my life! And something I can't chose!" I said, placing my hands on my chest. "I'm gay and you need to wake the fuck up from your homophobic daze! I'm so sorry I like dicks, geez!"

"Daniel, do not cuss! It is improper and furthermore, stop using such a tone with your own mother!" She growled dangerously, her eyes were practically glowing with disgust, or was it danger? Maybe a perfect balanced mix of it.

"Yeah, such a great mother, right?" I threw my hands up and I found myself pacing. "A great mother who hates her own son for being gay! Who tries to deter him away from being who he truly is but is constantly telling him to lighten up and 'be happy'! A mother who keeps setting her own _gay_ son up on dates with _girls_! What a great fucking mother, why don't you get award for it?"

" _Daniel_!" She screeched, making ne flinch a little.

"No, I've had enough of this!" I shouted, my hands immediately reaching to tug at my messy curls. "I'm tired of being hated for who I am but constantly being scolded for not being like others my age! I can't help the fact that I'm gay, mom! I wish it was a choice but it's just not! And you need to realize that or lose your son!"

"As if," She scoffed, rolling her eyes at the notion. "Where would you go? With your precious Phil? How will he support you? You're only 18, Daniel! You're being unbelievably naive right now, he might be using you. For Pete's sake, he's 22, Daniel! 4 years older than you!"

"Since when did age matter?" I groaned, folding my arms across my chest. "It's less than half a decade, Mom! Freshmans and Seniors date all the time in school!"

"He's an adult and you're just getting out of high school!" She tried to counter but I still saw no reason age mattered in this situation. It wasn't like I was 14 or anything.

"I'm not going to fight with you on this, Mom! I'm too tired." I finally gave up, figuring there would no good outcome if we continue to fight and bicker like this.

"And I'm exhausted by this, Daniel!" She yelled, puffing her chest out and her cheeks flushed a bright red. "Either break up with Phil or get out of my house."

"What?" I gaped. Sure, my mom can be angry and can go overboard but she's never threaten to kick me out. She's hit me before when she was angry but hey, I still had a roof over my head and I would recover from the pain. "You're throwing me out on the streets?!"

"No, you'll be throwing yourself out on the streets." She grinned. I'm not sure what she was so smug about. Was she so sure of herself or was she that happy to see me leave? My mother was never the most readable person in the universe so there's honestly no way to tell.

"Fine then." I grunted, feeling my jaw tighten and my teeth grit against each other. She must have not expected that because the smirk and confidence faded from her and her body slowly loosen, watching me walk out the door. She was pale as if she had seen a ghost and her eyes were so wide and had this sense of _horror_ in them. As if me being with Phil was the worst sin on the planet.

* * *

"Bullshit." I hissed, now laying in Phil's warm sheets.

"What was that?" He said with a quirky smile and a pizza box in hand.

"Nothing." I sat up and made room for him. I had called an uber soon as I walked out the door and kind of regretted as seeing all my stuff was ar my house, well, my mom's house. I couldn't bear to tell Phil me and my mom got in a fight and she kicked me out because of us because I know he would try and get me to make up with her. He would always say how important and precious family is and it's good to have them support you especially when you're young like I am.

"Right," He rolled his eyes, obviously not believing me and sat the pizza infront of us. He unpaused the episode of Buffy and gestured me tk come closer to cuddle. I happily obliged his request.

"Hey, is it okay if I stay here for a while?" I asked hesitantly, not sure if Phil would agree. Maybe Phil didn't want his young and naive boyfriend constantly hanging around him all the time.

"What about your family?" He asked with a puzzled expression, an brow raised and his eyes were pratically swimming in confusion. I hated how he always brought up my family whenever I asked something like this. For this situation, it was reasonable I suppose but whenever I wanted to stay for dinner or the night, he would ask the same.

"Phil, I'm grown." I almost growled but Phil wasn't the target of my anger, my mother was. It wouldn't be right to take out on him. "Much as I appreciate your concern, it's all taken care of, okay? Everything is alright. I just want to stay at my boyfriend's."

"I know you're grown, Dan. Trust me, I do. You have just a brilliant mind and impeccable maturity like no other your age and I love your independence." Phil smiled at me, his eyes shining so sweetly and brightly thanks to the old lamp next to us shining little white dots into them. I always loved his eyes. "I just don't want you to be cut off from your family too early. Plus I'll be at work and University all day so I might not be up to everything you want when I come home."

"You're never up to it." I chuckled, making him grin a little. "And don't worry, I know that and it's perfectly cool. Can I just stay here for a while? I'll try to keep the place clean best as I can, I swear."

"Long as you don't burn the apartment down." He chuckled, drawing me closer to flush against him by my waist.

"Forgive me if I do." I retorted, leaning forward and pressing our lips together for a sweet kiss.

* * *

I have never loved myself. I'm pretty sure I stated this beforehand. I just found no reason to and I certainly don't looking into the mirror now. I was too tall and lean, I was a fucking twink. My hair was a mess too and god, my face is just ew.

Phil always says how cute my Hobbit hair is but I beg to differ everytime. I look like I had a bird living in my hair everytime I don't straighten my hair. There's lot to hate than just my appearance though.

I'm very dorky and although Phil loves that about me and we become friends because of that, everyone hates dorks. I don't have a goal in life really, I don't even know what I want to pursue in college and that's if I even want to pursue college at all. God knows my mother continuously gets on my back about it.

"Bear?" I jumped upon hearing his voice, quickly twisting around to see a concern gaze from Phil. "Hey, what's the matter?"

"N-nothing, just thinking..." I muttered, glancing back up at the mirror infront of me. It was obvious of what I was thinking, just dressed in my boxers and just staring at myself. I actually winced at the sight of me, it was so ugly. Why would Phil ever want to have sex with me? Did he even think I was attractive?

"Bear..." He whispered gently, the soft pads of his feet following before I felt two pair of warm arms wrap around my torso. It was only then that I realized that I was cold. "Hey, come on. Talk to me, what's this about?"

"I'm cold." I avoided answering the question. I know it stresses him out that he has a boyfriend that constantly needs support and encouragement. No one wants a partner with low self-esteem, it's a major turn off for all.

"I'll get you some PJ's, 'kay?" He squeezed me a little, pressing a kiss to my temple. "But we're going to talk about it, okay?"

"Okay." I sighed, looking down at my feet. I really didn't want to talk about it.

* * *

 

"Now, tell me." Phil said sternly with his arms wrapped around my torso and his legs tangled with mind. I looked up at him, finding myself unable to form words. I hesitated, opening my mouth a couple times to only close it every time. "Bear, hey. It's okay, yeah? Take your time. There's no rush."

I have never loved myself but god, I love him.

"I love you." I whimpered, clutching the farbic of his red and black checkered button-up shirt. I pressed my face against his chest, basking in the warmth of him.

"I love you too," He pulled me closer to him. "But I'm worried, Bear. I know something is wrong, I need you to tell me."

"I'm scared." I croaked, I was sure I was shaking in his arms.

"It's okay." He whispered in my ear, the hot breath against my senstive neck causing me to shiver. God, he was always attractive.

"I don't want to go back." My voice was cracking, I know it. "I _can't_ go back, Phil!"

"Hey, hey." He spoke so softly. "It's alright. Did something happen with your family?"

I shrugged, I didn't really want to answer that.

"Can you tell me what happened, Bear?" He asked, reaching a hand north to pet my head. I always enjoyed that. Headpats really calm people down.

"M-my..." I took a second to breathe, calming my raggy and sharp breathing. "M...my mom said I had to leave or break up with you."

"What?!" He gaped at me, his bright blue eyes wide and clouded with bewilderment. "What do you mean, Dan? She kicked you out?!"

"We got in an argument." I sighed, averting his worried filled gaze. "I call her out some shit she's been doing ever since I came out to her last year."

"Wait, what exactly has she been doing Dan?" It was Phil's voice turn to crack and tremble. He kept gaping at me with his jaw slacked and eyes wide with horror.

"She kept setting me up with girls." I admitted. "I didn't want to tell you in case you got mad or you thought I was cheating or-"

"Dan, I would never!" He retorted, his cheeks flushed red and a pout on his lips. When he was offended, he was honestly so adorable. "You should have told me sooner! Wait, is that why you wanted to stay here for a bit?"

"Yeah, I was going to try and get a job around here maybe and try to find a cheap apartment." I shrugged, looking down.

"Oh, you should've just said so." He caressed my cheek, the pad of his thumb gentle against my tanned skin. He's always so gentle, as if he's afraid I'm going to break.

"I was scared you would tell me to go back." I gently said. "I don't want to go back, Phil. Please, don't make me go back there. My entire family and neighborhood hates me because my mom told them I was gay. I can't stand the looks, Phil."

"Dan, you should've said something sooner. This isn't right!" He cupped both of my cheeks, the warmth of his palms invading my cold skin. "God, I wish I knew I would have-"

I shut him up with a kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck. I didn't care about the what ifs of the past, surprisingly. I was just so giddy and fuzzy and maybe a little high off his sweet gestures and words, of how he wanted to protect me dearly.

I have never loved myself but when I'm with Phil...

"Dan," He rolled us over, straddling my waist, stealing kisses along my jawline and neck as he went further downward. I giggled, threading my fingers in his smooth hair. "I love you so so much."

When I'm with Phil, I love him so much that I forget what it's like to hate myself.

"I love you too, you spork." I smiled and cupped his cheeks, bringing him up to kiss me again.

"I'll figure this out, okay?" Phil whispered against my lips. "You can stay here, you know I won't kick you out, Bear. We're gonna be okay, yeah?"

"Yeah." I smiled and pressed us closer, surrounding myself in Phil's warmth.


End file.
